Why You May Not Be Attracted to the Person Who Is Logically Good for You- Why We Are Attracted to the Wrong People

Why do I always end up with the same type of person in relationships?

Have you ever wondered why you or someone else are always attracted to the wrong people? Have you ever met someone who checks every box on paper—kind, stable, reliable, emotionally available—and yet, your heart just doesn’t race when you’re around them? If so, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common dilemmas I see as a therapist, and science has a lot to say about why our attractions don’t always align with our logical choices.

Let’s explore the neuroscience, psychology, and behavioral patterns behind attraction—and what to do if you keep dating the same kind of person over and over again, even when it doesn’t work out.

Where Attraction Really Comes From

Attraction isn’t random—it’s the result of biology, psychology, and lived experience converging.

1. Biology & Chemistry: Attraction begins in the brain. When we meet someone who excites us, dopamine (the “pleasure chemical”), norepinephrine (which increases focus and energy), and oxytocin (the bonding hormone) flood our system. This cocktail can make us feel euphoric, almost like we’re under a spell.

   Evolutionary psychology suggests we may be unconsciously drawn to cues of fertility, health, or genetic diversity. But attraction isn’t only about biology—it’s filtered through our past.

2. Attachment & Familiarity: The brain has a funny way of mistaking familiarity for safety—or sometimes for love. People often find themselves attracted to partners who mirror aspects of their childhood relationships, even if those relationships weren’t healthy. A person raised with emotional distance may unconsciously be drawn to unavailable partners, mistaking that emotional tension for “chemistry.”

3. The “Imprint” Effect: Early experiences can leave what psychologists call an “imprint” on our brain, shaping who we find appealing later in life. This can lead us to repeat relationship patterns without even realizing it. That’s why many people feel like they’re dating the “same” person in different bodies.

Why We Repeat the Same Patterns

If you’ve ever wondered why you keep ending up with the same type of partner despite swearing you’d never do it again, here’s why:

• The Comfort of the Known: Even if a past pattern was painful, the brain prefers the predictable over the unknown. This is why someone with an avoidant parent may continually be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners—it feels oddly comfortable, even if it hurts.

• Unfinished Business: Freud called it repetition compulsion—the unconscious drive to repeat old relational wounds in hopes of finally “fixing” them. The problem is, we often recreate the same dynamics instead of healing them.

• Chemistry vs. Compatibility: The spark you feel with someone is not always a sign of a good match. In fact, research shows that high-intensity attraction often overlaps with volatility and insecurity. Stability, kindness, and safety don’t always create butterflies—at least not right away.

  
  

Why You May Not Be Attracted to the “Good” Person

When someone healthy and stable comes along, your nervous system might not recognize it as love. Instead of a rush of adrenaline, you may feel calm, grounded, or even a little bored. That’s not a lack of attraction—it may be your body struggling to recalibrate from the rollercoaster of past dynamics.

Here’s what might be happening:

• Your Nervous System Is Wired for Drama: If love has always felt like anxiety, waiting for texts, or walking on eggshells, calm connection may feel “off.”

• You Confuse Chemistry with Chaos: The butterflies you associate with attraction may actually be anxiety signals.

• Healing Changes Your Preferences: As you work on yourself and heal old wounds, the kind of people you’re drawn to often shifts. Sometimes, it takes time for your body to catch up to your brain.

How to Move Forward in Love

The good news is that attraction is not fixed—it’s flexible. You can retrain your brain and heart to recognize and value healthy love. Here are some therapist-approved tips:

1. Pause Before Jumping In: Notice if you’re mistaking intensity for intimacy. Ask yourself, Do I feel safe with this person, or just excited?

2. Do Attachment Work: Reflect on your early relationships and how they show up in your dating patterns. Therapy, journaling, or reading about attachment styles can help.

3. Give “Good” a Chance: Attraction can grow over time. Sometimes, genuine warmth, consistency, and emotional availability build a deeper and more sustainable connection than initial fireworks.

4. Challenge Your Patterns: If you notice yourself going for the same type, ask, What about this feels familiar? What am I trying to resolve?

5. Redefine Chemistry: Begin to see calm, safe connection as passion in disguise. Butterflies fade, but trust and respect deepen.

6. Heal First, Date Second: The healthier your relationship with yourself, the healthier your attractions become. Self-work changes who you’re drawn to.

Final Thoughts

If you’re not attracted to the person who seems “good” for you, don’t despair—it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat unhealthy cycles forever. Attraction is complex, rooted in brain chemistry, attachment, and history, but it can evolve.

The key is learning to distinguish between the kind of chemistry that burns bright and fades, and the kind of connection that glows steadily, sustaining you for a lifetime.

Love doesn’t always start with fireworks. Sometimes, it begins with a steady flame that—given time—grows into the warmth and light you’ve been searching for all along.